Baby on the brain

 

So.. my husband has babies on the brain, BAD. He has been begging me for a baby since the day we got married almost 2 years ago.  I’ve been reluctant because I still feel like a kid myself, but now I feel a little differently.  I used to think I was ready, until I really imagined myself as a parent and then it felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff about to fall over the edge.  Some days the urge to procreate is so strong and it just washes over me.  Other days I’m indifferent.   Recently, 3 of my close friends had baby girls, which only fans the flames of baby mania…and makes it exceptionally difficult to get out of Target without another adorable baby gift. 

I’ve had very vivid dreams lately about being in the hospital with my newborn baby girl…holding her, staring at her..even breastfeeding.  That might be weird, but the dreams make me want to be pregnant so badly, and I feel it in my stomach for days after the dreams.  Has this ever happened to anyone out there??  And if so, what does it mean?

However, there is a hitch in the whole pregnancy giddy-up.  That hitch is Type 1 diabetes, which I was diagnosed with at age 20.  I am not very good at keeping it under control, although I’m trying to be better lately.  What this means, is that I can’t just get pregnant like I had always thought I would be able to.  I never imagined having kids until recently, and when I accepted that fact I never imagined I would have to plan my pregnancy. It seems like that takes some of the..I don’t know…fun?spontaneity?joy, even? out of getting pregnant.  I never wanted a planned out pregnancy.  I just wanted it to be a joyful surprise for my husband and I. But now it seems that VERY careful planning is the only way to go for the health of my (future)baby and I. 

I really just needed to write all this out..to figure out where I’m really at with this.  This is my stream of consciousness when I think about getting pregnant:  clearance from Vanderbilt, worrying, testing, testing, testing, restrictions, insulin, complications, impossibly tight control, hospital stay, big baby, birth defects, C-section, 50/50 chance, spontaneous abortion, spinal defects… what to do? 

If you have an insight on this, or just some good advice I’d really like to hear it.

 

xoxo